Today My Head Exploded

This may look like an ordinary wedding dress, but it actually exists in a different universe.

Yes. Well. I have met my match. My next door neighbour's daughter-in-law-to-be needed a vintage wedding dress shortened. "Of course", I said. "Easy peasey."

Several hours and much foul language later, not to mention my sudden realization that my loved one spends his days sitting on the couch with his computer looking at cute cat videos*, I admit defeat. The wedding dress, which had a shaped hem requiring a seam on the edge of the hem, has not just a lining but a crinoline, and it does not seem possible given the limits of the known universe to hem such a thing without it suddenly becoming a theoretical object that exists in only two (or maybe four) dimensions. I opened up a side seam to turn it inside out and suddenly all laws of physics were open for discussion.

The first time this happened ( yes, I tried it more than once), I simply grabbed the seam ripper and undid the twelve yards of hem, repositioned the layers, and tried again. The second time, my head exploded. I'm now nursing a dry cider and weeping. I chose, at the last minute, not to attend a very important protest against Metro Vancouver barging its garbage across the Georgia Straight and burning it in an incinerator a kilometer from my home. I didn't trust myself to stay polite. There may have been headlines: "Middle-Aged Woman Throttles Nanaimo Mayor, Shouting "Breathe This, M*!#%$%^&er."

Thank you for listening. I feel a bit better now. But I have told James that if any one calls, asking for alterations, tell them to go away. Quickly and quietly. It's safer that way.

* I have been corrected. Apparently he was just watching a single cute cat video, he says that he doesn't make a habit of it.
P.S. Nanaimo City Council voted unanimously to say "No" to Vancouver's garbage! Hooray! Things are looking up!